1.) ...you've hyperventilated while breathing with a patient.
2.) ...you've told a patient "Don't worry, the Dr will be here in plenty of time." one minute before you deliver the head.
3.) ...you have done a vaginal exam and managed to keep a poker face as you try to figure out which small part of the baby you're touching.
4.) ...you"ve turned up the radio at the nurse's station to drown out a patient screaming.
5.) ...you assume every patient has stopped at Burger King prior to her 8am scheduled c-section.
6.) ...you have wondered how a patient ever got pregnant when she can't tolerate a vag exam.
7.) ...you've not noticed when a prospective dad has fainted and fallen into the bathroom.
8.) ...you have wished you were hanging liquid Valium instead of Ringer's Lactate.
9.) ...you assume that most patients have guessed at the date of their last period.
10.) ...you've mistaken the father of the baby for the father of the laboring patient.
11.) ...you have perfected your "vag exam stare".
12.) ...you have discussed vaginal lacerations and uterine prolapses during lunch without losing your appetite.
13.) ...and you wondered why everyone seated around you has left without finishing their meal.
14.) ...you have secretly wished that the legal age for tubal ligation was fourteen.
15.) ...you've stifled a laugh when a patient tells you "I'm going to have natural childbirth. Don't offer me any drugs."
16.) ...you assume this same patient will be screaming for an epidural at 2 cms.
17.) ...you have had to fish through the trash for a placenta you threw out by mistake.
18.)...You assume that however many centimeters you find your patient dilated, her Dr will tell her she's one less.
19.) ...you've gotten the c-section room ready when you see a patient coming through the door with a birth plan in her hand.
20.) ...you've done a vag exam and realized, when you go to chart, that you forgot to check effacement.
21.) ...you have calmly assured a patient, "Don't worry, your baby just needs a tad more oxygen." as the FHR goes down to 50.
22.) ...you have assured a new father, "Don't worry, his head will go back into a normal shape", as you've thought, "No matter what shape his head's in, this is a really homely baby!"
23.) ...you have hoped that the rude labor check you've just sent home will accidentally deliver there.
24.) ...you have suspected that someone slipped fertility drugs into the high school water supply.
25.) ...and considered slipping birth control pills into same.
26.) ...you have smiled and said, "That's OK", when your just-delivered patient tells you "I'm sorry I hit you, pulled your hair, screamed obscenities, and called you a fat, cruel, sadistic bitch. I was in labor and didn't mean it."
27.) ...you've answered a "Can sex hurt the baby" phone call.
28.) ...you have watched the clock and hoped your patient will deliver fifteen minutes after shift change.
29.) ...you've had to choose between going to the bathroom and eating, and eating won.
30.) ...you've hidden in the bathroom when you've seen a labor patient srriving with six pillows, a birthing ball, a CD case, a rolling pin, a poster of the Sierra Nevadas, and a birth plan in hand.
31.) ...you immediately check the patient's history after she tells you she has no medical problems.
32.) ...you haven't been surprised when a woman's pains that were every two minutes on the phone are every twenty-five minutes when she arrives at the hospital.
33.) ...you prefer your patients to arrive with the baby's head on the perineum so you won't have to chart much.
34.) ...you have dreamed of a world where labor coaches who sit in the lounge chair and watch ESPN while their wife is in labor must undergo immediate vasectomies.
35.) ... you have tripped over a small child during a "family birth experience".
36.) ...you immediately make sure you have plenty of drugs on hand when the primip you're admitting smiles and tells you she's a "10" on the pain scale.
37.) ...you've used an umbilical cord clamp to mend a tear in your scrub jacket.
38.) ...you have idly wondered how housekeeping is going to get that blood off the ceiling.
39.) ...you've considered applying to the E.R. for a job with less stress.
40.) ...you know the words "Don't push!" in five different languages.
41.) ...you actually, in your heart of hearts, agree with people who say, "You're a Labor and Delivery nurse? What a wonderful job!"
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7 comments:
I'm an L&D nurse, since I fell in love with OB as a student, graduated in 1976. I joined AWHONN, ICEA and Lamaze to learn all I could about evidence based best births. I used to share some of your attitude until I educated myself by attending the national conferences. Someone comes with a birthing plan, I'm always assigned to them, and they get their plan, because I know how to make it happen. That is a true Birth nurse.
Thank you Rita! This author needs to be in a different line of work!
As a 3-time mom who has thought about, talked about, or done most items on this list, I think it's pretty funny! It's a hard profession, those ladies are a God-send, and deserve to loosen up and laugh every now and then.
For a more serious list (less offensive to you), go here:
http://birthwithoutfearblog.com/2013/05/22/40-ways-to-know-you-are-a-ld-nurse/
Wow Rita, this is just suppose to be a list of funnies. Sorry no one can be as perfect as you.
Well said, Rita! I was faced with the same snide attitude when I came in wanting (and successfully achieved) a natural birth with my first child 4 years ago.
I had my second child 10 months ago, and the attitudes and misconceptions portrayed above had a lot to do with why I chose to have her at home.
Thank you, Rita, for being one of the few nurses in this system who care enough to help a mother achieve the birth she truly wants, and deserves.
Sidenote: there are plenty of young mothers who parent well, and work hard to provide everything their children need to thrive. Just like there are plenty of planned babies who are born to older, married, affluent couples who are pushed aside and treated as an inconvenience to be managed. The choice to reproduce, or not, is the mother's alone.
As a labor nurse of 25+ years I loved this and yes I'm an AWHONN member, IBCLC and love to work with fundamentally natural labor patients. That doesn't make me a "true birth nurse" more so than you Rita or the author of this blog. I have encountered everything on this list and it's not meant for non-labor nurses to laugh at. So cudos to divaspice for getting it! Do we treat our patients differently because they come with a birthplan? Of course not. Rita do you treat patients badly because they want to bottle feed or get an epidural? Lighten up everyone!
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