1. People drive in the correct lanes. Except for the moron in front of us last Tuesday on I84 who apparently assumed that 35MPH was a brisk enough pace for the passing lane.
2. Motels let you mke long distance calls and pay when you leave. Even if you're paying in cash.
3. A gas station attendant washed our windshield when we bought gas.
4. When you see a man walking briskly toward a door you are about to enter, it is likely that he plans to open it for you, not squeeze into the store ahead of you.
5. I heard someone whistling "A Little Night Music".
6. People in the "12 items or less" lane have 12 items or less.
7. When we returned to Connecticut, we dropped our rental truck off and the rental guy said he'd call us if we owed any money.
8. In rental stores, the DVD boxes contain DVDs.
9. Checkout persons speak understandable English. Now don't get me wrong. I have much admiration for anyone who moves to another country and learns the language, and will try to decipher what they're trying to tell me with all the patience and understanding I can muster. What I DO have a problem with is not being able to understand someone who WAS BORN IN THIS COUNTRY.
10. One can walk outside at mid-day and not shrivel and die.
11. The new traffic light in Torrington made the front page.
12. The bugs are civilized, small and know their place.
13. Having 10 children is considered an aberration, not an income.
14. If your car breaks down at the side of the road, the police will stop to assist instead of speeding up when they see you.
15. People use apostrophes in sentences, not their children's names.
16. License plates stay on the cars they were registered to.
17. There are real trees.
Saturday, September 27, 2008
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
Quote of the week
America wasn't founded so that we could all be better. America was founded so that we could be anything we damn well pleased. - P.J.O'Rourke
Monday, September 15, 2008
What Were We Thinking ?
I've been sitting here reflecting upon the wierd and dismaying phenomena of women and their relationships with men. Yeah, I know we've discussed this before. But still. Women - we spend an enormous, disproportionate amount of time, money, thought and personal sacrifice in the pursuit of, of all things - men.
Think of all the hours we've spent since puberty discussing the male species. We probably could have figured out the meaning of life or at least discovered where lost socks go, if we had put our minds to these subjects with the same grit, determination and time we afford men.
I offer, as proof, the cosmetics industry. Millions of dollars are spent on cosmetics. And what about breast implants? Almost every woman who has breast implants tells us, "Oh, I did it for myself. Yes, I underwent potentially dangerous surgery and excruciating pain which uncluded both throwing up and stretching my own skin so that I could carry around two bags of foreign material that may someday leak and kill me. I did it for myself." Right.
There are many reasons why we need to rethink this preoccupation with men, and I, as a kindness, have listed just a few of them:
HUMILIATION. I remember, at one point in my life (I've had several years of therapy and can now talk about this. Really.), I followed the object of my affection around from club to club, alternately crying and taking note of his dance partners. The object of my affection ignored me completely. I'm trying not to live for the day when I can repay him.
LACK OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. This has always, alas, been true. Remember, the first words out of Adam's mouth after that unfortunate apple incident were "Eve did it."
THE SLOB FACTOR. During my first marriage, I grew tired of picking up my husband's dirty socks. I began throwing them into the corner of the bedroom. Sure, it bothered me but I was determined and I did not give in until the dirty sock pile had reached the ceiling and my husband had spent $39.95 on new socks. OK, it was a low ceiling, but it still illustrates my point - men are slobs.
The men who aren't slobs are anal-retentive. You think that character in "Sleeping With the Enemy" was fictional? No, they modeled him after my ex-boyfriend Joseph. I'd like to say I noticed his obsessiveness at the beginning of our relationship and ran like hell. But I didn't leave until he began cross-referencing our desk pencils by color and manufacturer. Then, and only then, did I limp, color-coded, out of the relationship.
THE REMOTE. What is it with men and remotes and why can't they watch an entire program? I think back to the early days of TV when one actually had to get up in order to change the channel. If men changed channels then as often as they do now, we wouldn't have had a fat man in the entire USA. Suffice it to say, I think that such a strong attraction to anything made of plastic should only be encouraged in teething children.
DRIVING WITH A MAN CAN GET YOU KILLED. Men view their car (all men, all cars, no exceptions) as an extension of their penis. For this reason, riding with a man should be avoided at all costs.
UNDRESSING YOU WITH HIS EYES. I have nothing against undressing with the eyes per se. However, when you want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, your spouse, boyfriend), he's watching ESPN. When you don't want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, that guy with the hard hat drooling on his lunch), he not only undresses you with his eyes, but tends to add the odd lewd comment as well. This also relates back to men's basic untruthfullness - does he really, at that moment, want you to sit on his face?
FASHION SENSE. Not applicable.
COMMUNICATION SKILLS. At the beginning of a relationship, a man will listen to you raptly, hanging on every word, even when you're talking about that baby shower last Saturday or reciting poetry. He doesn't let you know until later (There's that dishonesty thing again.) what he's really thinking while you recite "...let us go then, you and I.." is "If she stops soon we can get laid and I can still catch the game on ESPN." You think this isn't true? My friend Jane, several years into a relationship, noticed one night that her boyfriend was reciting baseball statistics during sex. I rest my case.
So, fellow women (they've even co-opted the English language), we really must cease and desist from this foolish preoccupation with the male species. This has been handed down from generation to generation but now is the time to stop and think: What do we actually need them for? Sure, they're fun and handy when it comes to conceiving children, but the wisdom of having children is also suspect. Besides, a reputable sperm bank can take care of that. After all, you don't date the chicken just because you crave Cordon Bleu.
Women make better housemates, better friends, better conversationalists and often, better lovers. So next time you find yourself inexplicably thinking about a man, let me remind you of the timeless words of Robin Morgan who said, "Never accept rides from strange men. And remember, all men are strange as hell".
Think of all the hours we've spent since puberty discussing the male species. We probably could have figured out the meaning of life or at least discovered where lost socks go, if we had put our minds to these subjects with the same grit, determination and time we afford men.
I offer, as proof, the cosmetics industry. Millions of dollars are spent on cosmetics. And what about breast implants? Almost every woman who has breast implants tells us, "Oh, I did it for myself. Yes, I underwent potentially dangerous surgery and excruciating pain which uncluded both throwing up and stretching my own skin so that I could carry around two bags of foreign material that may someday leak and kill me. I did it for myself." Right.
There are many reasons why we need to rethink this preoccupation with men, and I, as a kindness, have listed just a few of them:
HUMILIATION. I remember, at one point in my life (I've had several years of therapy and can now talk about this. Really.), I followed the object of my affection around from club to club, alternately crying and taking note of his dance partners. The object of my affection ignored me completely. I'm trying not to live for the day when I can repay him.
LACK OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. This has always, alas, been true. Remember, the first words out of Adam's mouth after that unfortunate apple incident were "Eve did it."
THE SLOB FACTOR. During my first marriage, I grew tired of picking up my husband's dirty socks. I began throwing them into the corner of the bedroom. Sure, it bothered me but I was determined and I did not give in until the dirty sock pile had reached the ceiling and my husband had spent $39.95 on new socks. OK, it was a low ceiling, but it still illustrates my point - men are slobs.
The men who aren't slobs are anal-retentive. You think that character in "Sleeping With the Enemy" was fictional? No, they modeled him after my ex-boyfriend Joseph. I'd like to say I noticed his obsessiveness at the beginning of our relationship and ran like hell. But I didn't leave until he began cross-referencing our desk pencils by color and manufacturer. Then, and only then, did I limp, color-coded, out of the relationship.
THE REMOTE. What is it with men and remotes and why can't they watch an entire program? I think back to the early days of TV when one actually had to get up in order to change the channel. If men changed channels then as often as they do now, we wouldn't have had a fat man in the entire USA. Suffice it to say, I think that such a strong attraction to anything made of plastic should only be encouraged in teething children.
DRIVING WITH A MAN CAN GET YOU KILLED. Men view their car (all men, all cars, no exceptions) as an extension of their penis. For this reason, riding with a man should be avoided at all costs.
UNDRESSING YOU WITH HIS EYES. I have nothing against undressing with the eyes per se. However, when you want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, your spouse, boyfriend), he's watching ESPN. When you don't want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, that guy with the hard hat drooling on his lunch), he not only undresses you with his eyes, but tends to add the odd lewd comment as well. This also relates back to men's basic untruthfullness - does he really, at that moment, want you to sit on his face?
FASHION SENSE. Not applicable.
COMMUNICATION SKILLS. At the beginning of a relationship, a man will listen to you raptly, hanging on every word, even when you're talking about that baby shower last Saturday or reciting poetry. He doesn't let you know until later (There's that dishonesty thing again.) what he's really thinking while you recite "...let us go then, you and I.." is "If she stops soon we can get laid and I can still catch the game on ESPN." You think this isn't true? My friend Jane, several years into a relationship, noticed one night that her boyfriend was reciting baseball statistics during sex. I rest my case.
So, fellow women (they've even co-opted the English language), we really must cease and desist from this foolish preoccupation with the male species. This has been handed down from generation to generation but now is the time to stop and think: What do we actually need them for? Sure, they're fun and handy when it comes to conceiving children, but the wisdom of having children is also suspect. Besides, a reputable sperm bank can take care of that. After all, you don't date the chicken just because you crave Cordon Bleu.
Women make better housemates, better friends, better conversationalists and often, better lovers. So next time you find yourself inexplicably thinking about a man, let me remind you of the timeless words of Robin Morgan who said, "Never accept rides from strange men. And remember, all men are strange as hell".
Saturday, September 13, 2008
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
On Worrying
My husband says I worry too much. My husband says there's no sense in worrying because it's not going to change anything. My husband says worrying will give me an ulcer which will give me something else to worry about. I know better. I worry about an almost endless number of things, some trivial, some not so trivial. I worry about money. I worry about not getting enough sleep. I worry about spending too much time charting and neglecting my patients. I worry about spending too much time with my patients and neglecting my charting.I worry about whether or not my son's helmet will really protect him when he gets hit by a car, about unexpected guests finding dust cats under my bed, and about getting an autoimmune disorder that the Drs can't fix. I worry about hurricanes. I worry about checking out at the grocery store and not having enough money and having to put the cookies back. I worry that my diet buddy will see me buying the cookies.
Furthermore, although I'd like to think that we're at least in reach of equality between the sexes, some things will always be unequal and worrying is one of them. Women, at least most women, worry more than men and they worry about more things. As I sit and worry about breast cancer, world peace, over-extending my credit limit, and whether my cat really loves me or is just pretending, my husband's main concern is that they may pre-empt "Lost" for the President's speech.
Another example of the inequality of worrying is vacation. It's always the woman who wonders if she's shut off that stove burner or locked the door. It's always the woman who worries about getting lost. Her husband, on the other hand, is never concerned about getting lost, even though he often does not know where he is.
I'm a Labor and Delivery nurse and I carry in our car, an emergency delivery kit just in case we run into a woman giving birth on the side of the road (Hey, it happens!). The bag contains a clean blanket and towel, a wrapped newspaper, 2 umbilical cord clamps, a suction bulb and sterile gloves. My spouse thinks this is absolutely hysterical.
However, on the way to an important business function last week, my husband somehow ripped open the seam of his jacket when he was getting out of the car. I took those cord clamps and fastened the two seams together on the inside of the jacket.
"You see," I said to him, "and you laughed at me for carrying these".
My husband just smiled and walked into the restaurant. I worried about whether or not the clamps would hold.
Furthermore, although I'd like to think that we're at least in reach of equality between the sexes, some things will always be unequal and worrying is one of them. Women, at least most women, worry more than men and they worry about more things. As I sit and worry about breast cancer, world peace, over-extending my credit limit, and whether my cat really loves me or is just pretending, my husband's main concern is that they may pre-empt "Lost" for the President's speech.
Another example of the inequality of worrying is vacation. It's always the woman who wonders if she's shut off that stove burner or locked the door. It's always the woman who worries about getting lost. Her husband, on the other hand, is never concerned about getting lost, even though he often does not know where he is.
I'm a Labor and Delivery nurse and I carry in our car, an emergency delivery kit just in case we run into a woman giving birth on the side of the road (Hey, it happens!). The bag contains a clean blanket and towel, a wrapped newspaper, 2 umbilical cord clamps, a suction bulb and sterile gloves. My spouse thinks this is absolutely hysterical.
However, on the way to an important business function last week, my husband somehow ripped open the seam of his jacket when he was getting out of the car. I took those cord clamps and fastened the two seams together on the inside of the jacket.
"You see," I said to him, "and you laughed at me for carrying these".
My husband just smiled and walked into the restaurant. I worried about whether or not the clamps would hold.
Tuesday, September 2, 2008
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