What Were We Thinking ?

I've been sitting here reflecting upon the wierd and dismaying phenomena of women and their relationships with men. Yeah, I know we've discussed this before. But still. Women - we spend an enormous, disproportionate amount of time, money, thought and personal sacrifice in the pursuit of, of all things - men.
Think of all the hours we've spent since puberty discussing the male species. We probably could have figured out the meaning of life or at least discovered where lost socks go, if we had put our minds to these subjects with the same grit, determination and time we afford men.
I offer, as proof, the cosmetics industry. Millions of dollars are spent on cosmetics. And what about breast implants? Almost every woman who has breast implants tells us, "Oh, I did it for myself. Yes, I underwent potentially dangerous surgery and excruciating pain which uncluded both throwing up and stretching my own skin so that I could carry around two bags of foreign material that may someday leak and kill me. I did it for myself." Right.
There are many reasons why we need to rethink this preoccupation with men, and I, as a kindness, have listed just a few of them:
HUMILIATION. I remember, at one point in my life (I've had several years of therapy and can now talk about this. Really.), I followed the object of my affection around from club to club, alternately crying and taking note of his dance partners. The object of my affection ignored me completely. I'm trying not to live for the day when I can repay him.
LACK OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. This has always, alas, been true. Remember, the first words out of Adam's mouth after that unfortunate apple incident were "Eve did it."
THE SLOB FACTOR. During my first marriage, I grew tired of picking up my husband's dirty socks. I began throwing them into the corner of the bedroom. Sure, it bothered me but I was determined and I did not give in until the dirty sock pile had reached the ceiling and my husband had spent $39.95 on new socks. OK, it was a low ceiling, but it still illustrates my point - men are slobs.
The men who aren't slobs are anal-retentive. You think that character in "Sleeping With the Enemy" was fictional? No, they modeled him after my ex-boyfriend Joseph. I'd like to say I noticed his obsessiveness at the beginning of our relationship and ran like hell. But I didn't leave until he began cross-referencing our desk pencils by color and manufacturer. Then, and only then, did I limp, color-coded, out of the relationship.
THE REMOTE. What is it with men and remotes and why can't they watch an entire program? I think back to the early days of TV when one actually had to get up in order to change the channel. If men changed channels then as often as they do now, we wouldn't have had a fat man in the entire USA. Suffice it to say, I think that such a strong attraction to anything made of plastic should only be encouraged in teething children.
DRIVING WITH A MAN CAN GET YOU KILLED. Men view their car (all men, all cars, no exceptions) as an extension of their penis. For this reason, riding with a man should be avoided at all costs.
UNDRESSING YOU WITH HIS EYES. I have nothing against undressing with the eyes per se. However, when you want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, your spouse, boyfriend), he's watching ESPN. When you don't want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, that guy with the hard hat drooling on his lunch), he not only undresses you with his eyes, but tends to add the odd lewd comment as well. This also relates back to men's basic untruthfullness - does he really, at that moment, want you to sit on his face?
FASHION SENSE. Not applicable.
COMMUNICATION SKILLS. At the beginning of a relationship, a man will listen to you raptly, hanging on every word, even when you're talking about that baby shower last Saturday or reciting poetry. He doesn't let you know until later (There's that dishonesty thing again.) what he's really thinking while you recite "...let us go then, you and I.." is "If she stops soon we can get laid and I can still catch the game on ESPN." You think this isn't true? My friend Jane, several years into a relationship, noticed one night that her boyfriend was reciting baseball statistics during sex. I rest my case.
So, fellow women (they've even co-opted the English language), we really must cease and desist from this foolish preoccupation with the male species. This has been handed down from generation to generation but now is the time to stop and think: What do we actually need them for? Sure, they're fun and handy when it comes to conceiving children, but the wisdom of having children is also suspect. Besides, a reputable sperm bank can take care of that. After all, you don't date the chicken just because you crave Cordon Bleu.
Women make better housemates, better friends, better conversationalists and often, better lovers. So next time you find yourself inexplicably thinking about a man, let me remind you of the timeless words of Robin Morgan who said, "Never accept rides from strange men. And remember, all men are strange as hell".