Repenting at Leisure

My husband and I, much to our mutual surprise, recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. This accomplishment may not make me an expert on the long-term relationship, but I have picked up a few bits of marital wisdom along the way. So, from the vantage point of 27 years, I strew these pearls of wisdom toward anyone who is contemplating tying the knot.
1.) Don't do it. No matter how good the sex, no matter how nice the husband, for the rest of your life you will never find anything where you put it.
If this doesn't dissuade you:
2.) Ladies, break those bad habits right away. Men are like puppies - If you don't train them as soon as you get them, they'll never be housebroken. If you pick up his dirty socks just once, you've imprinted that action on the male mind. You've become his mother and you will always pick up his socks. And remember, little mannerisms that seemed cute and endearing when you were dating become major irritations in the cold light of everyday life.
3.) Let him have the remote. After all, it could be worse. Some men use their cars as an extension of their penis.
4.) Bear in mind that your significant other, your Honey, Your Sweetie, your Lambiekins, becomes a different person when he's with "the boys". He wants them to think he's the same macho, fun-loving, devil-may-care free spirit taht he was at age 20. He does not want them to think he's the p.w. word. So, if you hear him say, for instance, "I don't have to ask my wife if I can go to the hockey games in Toronto for a week, I tell her I'm going." Don't worry. He's lying. Furthermore, his friends know he's lying because they do the same thing. And that's why male bonding is so great.
5.) When he comes home from work and drops in front of the TV with x's where his eyes should be, this probably isn't a good time to tell him anything you want him to remember. It's also not a good time to tell him you wrecked your car, wrecked his car, threw out his lucky shirt, or had a positive pregnancy test. I'm just saying.
6.) And speaking of that positive pregnancy test - When naming children, stick to your guns. My husband and I, after many...er...discussions, decided that he would name the boys and I would name the girls. We never had a daughter, but we did have a son who was almost named Harley Davidson.
7.) If you think your mother-in-law is a battle axe and his brother is cheap, it's probably better to keep this to yourself.
8.0 Husbands are never sick quietly. They moan. They sigh. They complain. They need maximum attention. Treat him like the child he is. There are some things you cannot change and this is one of them.
9.) Once in a while, let him win. On occasion, let him get his way. For example, if you're arguing about whether you'll put a library or a pool table in the spare room of the house on the Riviera you may someday buy, this is one you may safely, magnanimously, let him win.
10) On the other hand, if you've already bought the house, fight that pool table tooth and nail. 11.) If, during an arguement, he says you're a screaming harridan who would mdrive any man insane and you say he's an unfeeling jerk who should be put away and he says what about that time you gave away his favorite jacket behind his back and you say what about the time he made everyone late for Thanksgiving dinner looking for that jacket and he says that you babble all of our secrets to your mother and she probably knows the size of his penis even and you say he babbles all of our secrets to his best friend because otherwise how would his best friend know that we got poisen ivy down there - This discussion has gone beyond the point of rational give-and-take. It's time for one of you to back off and agree to talk about things later. You've got the rest of your lives to disagree. And that's why marriage is such a great thing.
11.) Accept that he'll never know the difference between mauve, fuschia, and dusty rose. Men are born without that brain chip.
12.) Agree, early on, never to touch each other's razors.
13.) Some husbands, even if you're sick, won't bring you breakfast. Some husbands, even if the kitchen looks like it's been inhabited by a pack of trolls, won't pick up a dish. Some husbands think that if they engage in extrmarital oral sex, it's not really cheating. Try to make sure they're somebody else's husbands.
14.) Do not try to give him directions if you want to get anywhere.
15.) Keep repeating to yourself, "Married people live longer."

What Were We Thinking ?

I've been sitting here reflecting upon the wierd and dismaying phenomena of women and their relationships with men. Yeah, I know we've discussed this before. But still. Women - we spend an enormous, disproportionate amount of time, money, thought and personal sacrifice in the pursuit of, of all things - men.
Think of all the hours we've spent since puberty discussing the male species. We probably could have figured out the meaning of life or at least discovered where lost socks go, if we had put our minds to these subjects with the same grit, determination and time we afford men.
I offer, as proof, the cosmetics industry. Millions of dollars are spent on cosmetics. And what about breast implants? Almost every woman who has breast implants tells us, "Oh, I did it for myself. Yes, I underwent potentially dangerous surgery and excruciating pain which uncluded both throwing up and stretching my own skin so that I could carry around two bags of foreign material that may someday leak and kill me. I did it for myself." Right.
There are many reasons why we need to rethink this preoccupation with men, and I, as a kindness, have listed just a few of them:
HUMILIATION. I remember, at one point in my life (I've had several years of therapy and can now talk about this. Really.), I followed the object of my affection around from club to club, alternately crying and taking note of his dance partners. The object of my affection ignored me completely. I'm trying not to live for the day when I can repay him.
LACK OF PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY. This has always, alas, been true. Remember, the first words out of Adam's mouth after that unfortunate apple incident were "Eve did it."
THE SLOB FACTOR. During my first marriage, I grew tired of picking up my husband's dirty socks. I began throwing them into the corner of the bedroom. Sure, it bothered me but I was determined and I did not give in until the dirty sock pile had reached the ceiling and my husband had spent $39.95 on new socks. OK, it was a low ceiling, but it still illustrates my point - men are slobs.
The men who aren't slobs are anal-retentive. You think that character in "Sleeping With the Enemy" was fictional? No, they modeled him after my ex-boyfriend Joseph. I'd like to say I noticed his obsessiveness at the beginning of our relationship and ran like hell. But I didn't leave until he began cross-referencing our desk pencils by color and manufacturer. Then, and only then, did I limp, color-coded, out of the relationship.
THE REMOTE. What is it with men and remotes and why can't they watch an entire program? I think back to the early days of TV when one actually had to get up in order to change the channel. If men changed channels then as often as they do now, we wouldn't have had a fat man in the entire USA. Suffice it to say, I think that such a strong attraction to anything made of plastic should only be encouraged in teething children.
DRIVING WITH A MAN CAN GET YOU KILLED. Men view their car (all men, all cars, no exceptions) as an extension of their penis. For this reason, riding with a man should be avoided at all costs.
UNDRESSING YOU WITH HIS EYES. I have nothing against undressing with the eyes per se. However, when you want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, your spouse, boyfriend), he's watching ESPN. When you don't want a man to undress you with his eyes (ie, that guy with the hard hat drooling on his lunch), he not only undresses you with his eyes, but tends to add the odd lewd comment as well. This also relates back to men's basic untruthfullness - does he really, at that moment, want you to sit on his face?
FASHION SENSE. Not applicable.
COMMUNICATION SKILLS. At the beginning of a relationship, a man will listen to you raptly, hanging on every word, even when you're talking about that baby shower last Saturday or reciting poetry. He doesn't let you know until later (There's that dishonesty thing again.) what he's really thinking while you recite "...let us go then, you and I.." is "If she stops soon we can get laid and I can still catch the game on ESPN." You think this isn't true? My friend Jane, several years into a relationship, noticed one night that her boyfriend was reciting baseball statistics during sex. I rest my case.
So, fellow women (they've even co-opted the English language), we really must cease and desist from this foolish preoccupation with the male species. This has been handed down from generation to generation but now is the time to stop and think: What do we actually need them for? Sure, they're fun and handy when it comes to conceiving children, but the wisdom of having children is also suspect. Besides, a reputable sperm bank can take care of that. After all, you don't date the chicken just because you crave Cordon Bleu.
Women make better housemates, better friends, better conversationalists and often, better lovers. So next time you find yourself inexplicably thinking about a man, let me remind you of the timeless words of Robin Morgan who said, "Never accept rides from strange men. And remember, all men are strange as hell".

Hell No, I Won't Go

Growing old hit me like a ton of vanishing cream one day when I was 50 years, 8 months and 2 days old. It was then that I discovered that I was 50 and everyone else was 19. I knew right away I didn't like it.
Yes, society, against my will and certainly against my better judgement, had suddenly solidified into two distinct segments: people my age (old people) and 19 year olds.
Now, I've read plenty about growing old gracefully; about the depth and wisdom of the older woman; about the "sexy sixties".I listened to Gloria when she told us that a woman is in the prime of her life at age 50. I've witnessed O Magazine's "celebration" of the mature* woman. AARP Magazine tells me that 60 is the age to be.*
Well excuse me O and I beg your pardon Mz Steinam, but what's so wonderful about going to bed in the afternoon when the reason you're meeting there is to nap? What's so thrilling about being called "maam"? What's to celebrate about being complimented for your figure when you can sense the unspoken "for your age"? What, I ask you, is so good about all this acquired wisdom when it includes intimate knowledge of cellulite, wrinkle cream, hot flashes, the ingredients in Metamucil and the phone number of your best friend's plastic surgeon?
Granted, there are parts of my teens and twenties that don't bear repeating - or even close examination. I really don't want to relive all that teenaged angst combined with worries about the opposite sex and searches for who I was and what I wanted to be.** There are a few relationships that, in retrospect, I wish I had skipped (Oh, do I ever wish I had skipped them.), and a few drugs that I wish I hadn't done. Rationally, I know that youth was not the bed of roses I now remember. But I still do not want to grow any older.
Maybe I'm depressing and maybe I'm bitter. Maybe I'm not a good sport. So be it. But while the readers of these magazines that write glowingly about "The Mature Woman" are smiling and celebrating their way into old age, I will be dragging my feet. In fact, I'll be kicking and screaming all the way.

*I hate this term. Let's face it - we're not growing mature. I, for example am probably more childish now than at any other point in my life. I'm growing old, not mature, and really, I don't want either one of these plants in my garden.
**What I wanted to be was a hobo, a job I still believe I'm uniquely suited for.

The World is Full of Bad, Bad Men

Women all over the world waste thousands upon thousands of hours with the wrong men - useless men, irritating men, humorless men - bad, bad men. However, this can change. After painstakingly careful and extensive research, my esteemed colleague and I have devised a method of distinguishing the really bad, bad men from the merely mediocre ones. This behavioral litmus test is quite simple and easy to follow. All one has to do is observe the man in question on an evening when he indulges to the point where he is falling down drunk. Almost any man can be categorized by the way he behaves after falling down. Read and learn:
The Teetotaler - Too bad, this test is only for the drinking man. In order to categorize the teetotaler, you will have to use the out-dated, inherently dangerous method of actually getting to know him.
Every Mother's Son - When this man gets drunk enough to fall down, he often loses a contact lens, or breaks his glasses, and frequently also breaks his wine glass or your wine glass. He will, however, offer to pay for the glasswear just as soon as he can see again.
The Bad Bumbler - When he falls down, he also breaks the wine glasses but does not offer to pay for them.
The Slob - When this charmer gets drunk and falls down, which occurs rather often, he also throws up.
The Bad Slob - When he falls down, he throws up on your shoe.
The Homewrecker - When this man gets drunk and falls down, he breaks his leg or your leg or both legs and your mothers crystal and the dozen Dresden china plates in the next room.
The Suds Dud - This man only drinks beer because he swears it doesn't get him drunk. When he falls down, he doesn't get up. He may snore.
Mr Paranoid - After falling down, he accuses you of pushing him.
The Bad Man - When he gets wasted and falls down, he vehemently denies that he has fallen and insists that he's just playing with the dog. Do not remind him that he does not have a dog, and do not try to get him to admit that he's fallen down as he will get angry and sulk.
The Bad Bad Man - Bad bad men don't fall down.