Repenting at Leisure

My husband and I, much to our mutual surprise, recently celebrated our 27th wedding anniversary. This accomplishment may not make me an expert on the long-term relationship, but I have picked up a few bits of marital wisdom along the way. So, from the vantage point of 27 years, I strew these pearls of wisdom toward anyone who is contemplating tying the knot.
1.) Don't do it. No matter how good the sex, no matter how nice the husband, for the rest of your life you will never find anything where you put it.
If this doesn't dissuade you:
2.) Ladies, break those bad habits right away. Men are like puppies - If you don't train them as soon as you get them, they'll never be housebroken. If you pick up his dirty socks just once, you've imprinted that action on the male mind. You've become his mother and you will always pick up his socks. And remember, little mannerisms that seemed cute and endearing when you were dating become major irritations in the cold light of everyday life.
3.) Let him have the remote. After all, it could be worse. Some men use their cars as an extension of their penis.
4.) Bear in mind that your significant other, your Honey, Your Sweetie, your Lambiekins, becomes a different person when he's with "the boys". He wants them to think he's the same macho, fun-loving, devil-may-care free spirit taht he was at age 20. He does not want them to think he's the p.w. word. So, if you hear him say, for instance, "I don't have to ask my wife if I can go to the hockey games in Toronto for a week, I tell her I'm going." Don't worry. He's lying. Furthermore, his friends know he's lying because they do the same thing. And that's why male bonding is so great.
5.) When he comes home from work and drops in front of the TV with x's where his eyes should be, this probably isn't a good time to tell him anything you want him to remember. It's also not a good time to tell him you wrecked your car, wrecked his car, threw out his lucky shirt, or had a positive pregnancy test. I'm just saying.
6.) And speaking of that positive pregnancy test - When naming children, stick to your guns. My husband and I, after many...er...discussions, decided that he would name the boys and I would name the girls. We never had a daughter, but we did have a son who was almost named Harley Davidson.
7.) If you think your mother-in-law is a battle axe and his brother is cheap, it's probably better to keep this to yourself.
8.0 Husbands are never sick quietly. They moan. They sigh. They complain. They need maximum attention. Treat him like the child he is. There are some things you cannot change and this is one of them.
9.) Once in a while, let him win. On occasion, let him get his way. For example, if you're arguing about whether you'll put a library or a pool table in the spare room of the house on the Riviera you may someday buy, this is one you may safely, magnanimously, let him win.
10) On the other hand, if you've already bought the house, fight that pool table tooth and nail. 11.) If, during an arguement, he says you're a screaming harridan who would mdrive any man insane and you say he's an unfeeling jerk who should be put away and he says what about that time you gave away his favorite jacket behind his back and you say what about the time he made everyone late for Thanksgiving dinner looking for that jacket and he says that you babble all of our secrets to your mother and she probably knows the size of his penis even and you say he babbles all of our secrets to his best friend because otherwise how would his best friend know that we got poisen ivy down there - This discussion has gone beyond the point of rational give-and-take. It's time for one of you to back off and agree to talk about things later. You've got the rest of your lives to disagree. And that's why marriage is such a great thing.
11.) Accept that he'll never know the difference between mauve, fuschia, and dusty rose. Men are born without that brain chip.
12.) Agree, early on, never to touch each other's razors.
13.) Some husbands, even if you're sick, won't bring you breakfast. Some husbands, even if the kitchen looks like it's been inhabited by a pack of trolls, won't pick up a dish. Some husbands think that if they engage in extrmarital oral sex, it's not really cheating. Try to make sure they're somebody else's husbands.
14.) Do not try to give him directions if you want to get anywhere.
15.) Keep repeating to yourself, "Married people live longer."