Women all over the world waste thousands upon thousands of hours with the wrong men - useless men, irritating men, humorless men - bad, bad men. However, this can change. After painstakingly careful and extensive research, my esteemed colleague and I have devised a method of distinguishing the really bad, bad men from the merely mediocre ones. This behavioral litmus test is quite simple and easy to follow. All one has to do is observe the man in question on an evening when he indulges to the point where he is falling down drunk. Almost any man can be categorized by the way he behaves after falling down. Read and learn:
The Teetotaler - Too bad, this test is only for the drinking man. In order to categorize the teetotaler, you will have to use the out-dated, inherently dangerous method of actually getting to know him.
Every Mother's Son - When this man gets drunk enough to fall down, he often loses a contact lens, or breaks his glasses, and frequently also breaks his wine glass or your wine glass. He will, however, offer to pay for the glasswear just as soon as he can see again.
The Bad Bumbler - When he falls down, he also breaks the wine glasses but does not offer to pay for them.
The Slob - When this charmer gets drunk and falls down, which occurs rather often, he also throws up.
The Bad Slob - When he falls down, he throws up on your shoe.
The Homewrecker - When this man gets drunk and falls down, he breaks his leg or your leg or both legs and your mothers crystal and the dozen Dresden china plates in the next room.
The Suds Dud - This man only drinks beer because he swears it doesn't get him drunk. When he falls down, he doesn't get up. He may snore.
Mr Paranoid - After falling down, he accuses you of pushing him.
The Bad Man - When he gets wasted and falls down, he vehemently denies that he has fallen and insists that he's just playing with the dog. Do not remind him that he does not have a dog, and do not try to get him to admit that he's fallen down as he will get angry and sulk.
The Bad Bad Man - Bad bad men don't fall down.
Friday, July 11, 2008
Tuesday, July 8, 2008
Hospital survival skills
It's not easy being in the hospital. I'm a nurse, and at various times, I've found it sad, frustrating, comical, boring and even exciting, but never easy. The moment one walks through those doors, one gets that, well, "hospital feeling". And that's just if you're visiting. Now if you're entering by wheelchair or stretcher, it's another story entirely. As a veteran of hospitals, I'm here to give you a few tips on surviving the experience.
1) Be a male. Actually, a young, heterosexual male is best. I once spent 3 weeks in the hospital without discovering that they had juice on the floor. My male friend was there for 2 days and by the end of his first afternoon, he had, at his bedside, 6 juices, 2 ginger ales, 2 puddings, a jello, a newspaper and 2 young nurses.
2) Do not expose yourself. There's nothing we nurses haven't seen before and you don't want to scare the pink ladies. Or make them point and laugh.
3) Do not use the call bell to ask the nurse to "Make me comfortable." She doesn't know what will make you comfortable (at least not anything legal), and if she did, she'd be a psychic, not a nurse.
4) If you've called and called again, and no one has answered your call bell, then, and only then, for pure attention-getting value, it is acceptable to walk out to the nurses station naked (or half-naked if it's cold or you're, um... fat).
5) Do not pull a tube out. Nothing makes a nurse testier than pulled-out tubes. However, if you have a nurse who is especially unpleasant and you don't mind getting the tube put back in, go ahead - pull out the fucking tube.
6) Do not tell the staff that you don't need a bath. They'll send in Heavy Hilda or Hefty Hank, and you'll get a bed bath you'll never forget.
7) Do not say "My mother's a nurse" or "My father's a lawyer". Many medical professionals feel very uncomfortable when hearing either of these two phrases, and although they may shower you with attention, they may also avoid your room like the plague.
8) If you need to throw up, aim for the small, kidney-shaped thing, or at least the round, wastebasket-shaped thing and not the large, floor-shaped thing.
9) Do not smoke pot in your room and try to say it's incense. Remember, your nurse went to school on a college campus and probably has a pretty intimate knowledge of what it smells like.
10) Do use "Nurse Bait". A jar of candy, a box of chocolates, pizza, or anything else classified as food will almost instantly create a flow of nurses into your room. Hungry, grateful nurses.
11) If a nurse tells you that she just does not understand why people keep critisizing that nice President Bush, and that really, those kind of people should be immediately deported, and while she's saying this, she's holding a rectal thermometer or a huge syringe, it's OK to say you couldn't agree with her more.
12) Get well.
1) Be a male. Actually, a young, heterosexual male is best. I once spent 3 weeks in the hospital without discovering that they had juice on the floor. My male friend was there for 2 days and by the end of his first afternoon, he had, at his bedside, 6 juices, 2 ginger ales, 2 puddings, a jello, a newspaper and 2 young nurses.
2) Do not expose yourself. There's nothing we nurses haven't seen before and you don't want to scare the pink ladies. Or make them point and laugh.
3) Do not use the call bell to ask the nurse to "Make me comfortable." She doesn't know what will make you comfortable (at least not anything legal), and if she did, she'd be a psychic, not a nurse.
4) If you've called and called again, and no one has answered your call bell, then, and only then, for pure attention-getting value, it is acceptable to walk out to the nurses station naked (or half-naked if it's cold or you're, um... fat).
5) Do not pull a tube out. Nothing makes a nurse testier than pulled-out tubes. However, if you have a nurse who is especially unpleasant and you don't mind getting the tube put back in, go ahead - pull out the fucking tube.
6) Do not tell the staff that you don't need a bath. They'll send in Heavy Hilda or Hefty Hank, and you'll get a bed bath you'll never forget.
7) Do not say "My mother's a nurse" or "My father's a lawyer". Many medical professionals feel very uncomfortable when hearing either of these two phrases, and although they may shower you with attention, they may also avoid your room like the plague.
8) If you need to throw up, aim for the small, kidney-shaped thing, or at least the round, wastebasket-shaped thing and not the large, floor-shaped thing.
9) Do not smoke pot in your room and try to say it's incense. Remember, your nurse went to school on a college campus and probably has a pretty intimate knowledge of what it smells like.
10) Do use "Nurse Bait". A jar of candy, a box of chocolates, pizza, or anything else classified as food will almost instantly create a flow of nurses into your room. Hungry, grateful nurses.
11) If a nurse tells you that she just does not understand why people keep critisizing that nice President Bush, and that really, those kind of people should be immediately deported, and while she's saying this, she's holding a rectal thermometer or a huge syringe, it's OK to say you couldn't agree with her more.
12) Get well.
Sunday, July 6, 2008
Tuesday, July 1, 2008
Repenting At Leisure: Excuses, Excuses
When caught doing what you shouldn't be doing, being where you shouldn't be or doing it with someone you shouldn't be doing it with, there's nothing like a good, big excuse. Making excuses is an art and as such, should be cultivated.If a person practices, and excels at making excuses, he or she may possibly qualify for a position in government - maybe even president. In that spirit, I hereby present some tried and true excuses.
The All-purpose Excuse
"You didn't tell me not to."
This excuse, as one can imagine, can cover a multitude of sins. For example: Husband - "Why, when we were at the circus, did you have sex with my best friend and two acrobats while you sent me for peanuts?" Wife - "you didn't tell me not to." You see, it's simple, concise and easy to remember.
The Bob P. Excuse
"I'm sorry, but I was doing drugs and I just didn't care about you."
The excuse-maker may then sit back and wait to be praised for his honesty. One may have to wait for quite some time. This excuse has a drawback in that one must actually a drug user in order to be believable. However, if you are a drug user, this can work.
The Late Excuse
"There were small bats hanging over the street signs and I couldn't find your house."
This excuse was first used by my sister Pam and is notable, not for its effectiveness, but for its inventiveness and visual imagery. She is a true artist.
The I Did Something Awful and Didn't Tell You About It Excuse
"I wanted to spare you."
This has the advantage of getting you out of a tight spot and making you look like a caring person. For example: Wife - "What do you mean blew all our rent money at the track last week? Why didn't you tell me?" Husband - "I wanted to spare you." What a thoughtful man!
The Under The Influence Excuse
Either, "I was just playing with the dog" or "I'm looking for my contact lens" (This is a man's excuse and is included here merely to let them know we can see right through them).
Make sure a dog or contact lens is actually present or this may not work. Friend - "Boy, did you ever have too much to drink. You can't even stand up!" You - "I'm just playing with the dog." Try not to pass out after saying this. It spoils the effect.
The It's your fault excuse
The best offense is a good defense. Said with force and conviction, "You drove me to it" can stop a person in their tracks.
The Dumping Excuse
Let's face it. Everyone knows when they're getting the brush-off and "I have to wash my hair" or "I'm busy" just don't cut it. They always know, and since they always know and you're not going to get away with anything anyway, you may as well make it interesting. To wit: He - "How about going out Friday night?" She - "Oh, didn't I tell you I race Huskies for a living? I have to stay home and wax my sled blades. Otherwise, I'd love to go. ... Next Friday? No, I won't be back until after the Iditarod." Or, one could say, "Friday? I feed the homeless on Friday. You're homeless? Well, go to the corner of 5th and 87th and wait for me."
Use your imagination. This excuse has no limits.
The Speeding Ticket Excuse
"Sorry officer, but I'm late for my monthly support group for people with infectious leprosy."
This doesn't always work, but it's better than "My wife's having a baby" or "Up yours, officer."
The Non-payment of Bills Excuse
"What do you mean I still owe (fill in amount)? I came in two days ago and gave my cash to that nice young man/woman. His/her name was (make up a common name). I hope you don't have a thief in your office."
This should buy you at least a few more days.
The Rapid Acting Generic Excuse
"He did it!" or "She said it!"
It's a known fact that if all else fails, shift the blame and do it quickly. Examp;e: Boss - "I heard that you called me an unfair, scumsucking battle ax with big feet!" You - (pointing wildly), "She said it!" Try to point at someone who already doesn't like you, or failing that, someone who is smaller than you.
The I Can't Come to Work excuse
Diarrhea.
There are many good reasons for using this, the main one being that your boss won't ask you to prove it.
The Why I Didn't Attend Your Wedding/Party Excuse
"I was on my way when I was kidnapped by terrorists and I only just now escaped!"
Ironclad! Also, this is more timely than the old kidnapped-by-a-band-of-gypsies excuse. If you doubt the veracity of this last statement, just ask yourself, "How many gypsies have I seen lately? How many terrorists?" It's obvious - go with the terrorists.
The Serial Killer Excuse
It is fashionable these days to blame bad behavior, including rapes and multiple murders, on childhood trauma. So if you have some bad behavior of your own, try "It wasn't my fault. My mother toilet trained me with one of those musical potty chairs and ever since, every time I hear "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", I get an overwhelming compulsion to find (Pick one) A) a man B) a woman C) a dog, and A) tweak his nose B) get down on all fours and bark or C) eat his liver with fava beans.
Well, these are just a few of your most basic excuses. Really, the possibilities are endless, but with these standard excuses, you should be able to get through most of life's difficult situations. And if these excuses don't work, don't call me. I've been kidnapped by a band of gypsies and they told me not to answer my phone.
The All-purpose Excuse
"You didn't tell me not to."
This excuse, as one can imagine, can cover a multitude of sins. For example: Husband - "Why, when we were at the circus, did you have sex with my best friend and two acrobats while you sent me for peanuts?" Wife - "you didn't tell me not to." You see, it's simple, concise and easy to remember.
The Bob P. Excuse
"I'm sorry, but I was doing drugs and I just didn't care about you."
The excuse-maker may then sit back and wait to be praised for his honesty. One may have to wait for quite some time. This excuse has a drawback in that one must actually a drug user in order to be believable. However, if you are a drug user, this can work.
The Late Excuse
"There were small bats hanging over the street signs and I couldn't find your house."
This excuse was first used by my sister Pam and is notable, not for its effectiveness, but for its inventiveness and visual imagery. She is a true artist.
The I Did Something Awful and Didn't Tell You About It Excuse
"I wanted to spare you."
This has the advantage of getting you out of a tight spot and making you look like a caring person. For example: Wife - "What do you mean blew all our rent money at the track last week? Why didn't you tell me?" Husband - "I wanted to spare you." What a thoughtful man!
The Under The Influence Excuse
Either, "I was just playing with the dog" or "I'm looking for my contact lens" (This is a man's excuse and is included here merely to let them know we can see right through them).
Make sure a dog or contact lens is actually present or this may not work. Friend - "Boy, did you ever have too much to drink. You can't even stand up!" You - "I'm just playing with the dog." Try not to pass out after saying this. It spoils the effect.
The It's your fault excuse
The best offense is a good defense. Said with force and conviction, "You drove me to it" can stop a person in their tracks.
The Dumping Excuse
Let's face it. Everyone knows when they're getting the brush-off and "I have to wash my hair" or "I'm busy" just don't cut it. They always know, and since they always know and you're not going to get away with anything anyway, you may as well make it interesting. To wit: He - "How about going out Friday night?" She - "Oh, didn't I tell you I race Huskies for a living? I have to stay home and wax my sled blades. Otherwise, I'd love to go. ... Next Friday? No, I won't be back until after the Iditarod." Or, one could say, "Friday? I feed the homeless on Friday. You're homeless? Well, go to the corner of 5th and 87th and wait for me."
Use your imagination. This excuse has no limits.
The Speeding Ticket Excuse
"Sorry officer, but I'm late for my monthly support group for people with infectious leprosy."
This doesn't always work, but it's better than "My wife's having a baby" or "Up yours, officer."
The Non-payment of Bills Excuse
"What do you mean I still owe (fill in amount)? I came in two days ago and gave my cash to that nice young man/woman. His/her name was (make up a common name). I hope you don't have a thief in your office."
This should buy you at least a few more days.
The Rapid Acting Generic Excuse
"He did it!" or "She said it!"
It's a known fact that if all else fails, shift the blame and do it quickly. Examp;e: Boss - "I heard that you called me an unfair, scumsucking battle ax with big feet!" You - (pointing wildly), "She said it!" Try to point at someone who already doesn't like you, or failing that, someone who is smaller than you.
The I Can't Come to Work excuse
Diarrhea.
There are many good reasons for using this, the main one being that your boss won't ask you to prove it.
The Why I Didn't Attend Your Wedding/Party Excuse
"I was on my way when I was kidnapped by terrorists and I only just now escaped!"
Ironclad! Also, this is more timely than the old kidnapped-by-a-band-of-gypsies excuse. If you doubt the veracity of this last statement, just ask yourself, "How many gypsies have I seen lately? How many terrorists?" It's obvious - go with the terrorists.
The Serial Killer Excuse
It is fashionable these days to blame bad behavior, including rapes and multiple murders, on childhood trauma. So if you have some bad behavior of your own, try "It wasn't my fault. My mother toilet trained me with one of those musical potty chairs and ever since, every time I hear "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", I get an overwhelming compulsion to find (Pick one) A) a man B) a woman C) a dog, and A) tweak his nose B) get down on all fours and bark or C) eat his liver with fava beans.
Well, these are just a few of your most basic excuses. Really, the possibilities are endless, but with these standard excuses, you should be able to get through most of life's difficult situations. And if these excuses don't work, don't call me. I've been kidnapped by a band of gypsies and they told me not to answer my phone.
Thursday, June 26, 2008
Repenting at Leisure
Having come of age in the days of Peace-Love-Dope, I had to be dragged, kicking and screaming into the computer age. It wasn't pretty. But now that I'm here, and being a person of many strong, frequently unpopular, and sometimes just wrong opinions, I feel this is a perfect forum for me.
A Brief History of Mine: I grew up in a slightly eccentric, middle class family and spent a good part of my childhood taking pains to hide from my family how strange a child I really was. My sister wanted to be an artist. My brother wanted to be a cowboy. I wanted to be a hobo. Sometimes I still want to be a hobo. After being accepted at a prestigious college for pre-med, I decided that I would learn so much more traveling around the country in a van. After having many experiences, most of which are a little...um....hazy, I ended up in the medical profession. Oh - I married two musicians along the way. Consecutively.
I am interested in books, music, food, art, beauty, quotations, growing things, and in the absurdities of life.
Anyway, a lot of funny things happen in the medial profession which I may get into at a later date, after I decide where this thing is going.
I
A Brief History of Mine: I grew up in a slightly eccentric, middle class family and spent a good part of my childhood taking pains to hide from my family how strange a child I really was. My sister wanted to be an artist. My brother wanted to be a cowboy. I wanted to be a hobo. Sometimes I still want to be a hobo. After being accepted at a prestigious college for pre-med, I decided that I would learn so much more traveling around the country in a van. After having many experiences, most of which are a little...um....hazy, I ended up in the medical profession. Oh - I married two musicians along the way. Consecutively.
I am interested in books, music, food, art, beauty, quotations, growing things, and in the absurdities of life.
Anyway, a lot of funny things happen in the medial profession which I may get into at a later date, after I decide where this thing is going.
I
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