The World is Full of Bad, Bad Men

Women all over the world waste thousands upon thousands of hours with the wrong men - useless men, irritating men, humorless men - bad, bad men. However, this can change. After painstakingly careful and extensive research, my esteemed colleague and I have devised a method of distinguishing the really bad, bad men from the merely mediocre ones. This behavioral litmus test is quite simple and easy to follow. All one has to do is observe the man in question on an evening when he indulges to the point where he is falling down drunk. Almost any man can be categorized by the way he behaves after falling down. Read and learn:
The Teetotaler - Too bad, this test is only for the drinking man. In order to categorize the teetotaler, you will have to use the out-dated, inherently dangerous method of actually getting to know him.
Every Mother's Son - When this man gets drunk enough to fall down, he often loses a contact lens, or breaks his glasses, and frequently also breaks his wine glass or your wine glass. He will, however, offer to pay for the glasswear just as soon as he can see again.
The Bad Bumbler - When he falls down, he also breaks the wine glasses but does not offer to pay for them.
The Slob - When this charmer gets drunk and falls down, which occurs rather often, he also throws up.
The Bad Slob - When he falls down, he throws up on your shoe.
The Homewrecker - When this man gets drunk and falls down, he breaks his leg or your leg or both legs and your mothers crystal and the dozen Dresden china plates in the next room.
The Suds Dud - This man only drinks beer because he swears it doesn't get him drunk. When he falls down, he doesn't get up. He may snore.
Mr Paranoid - After falling down, he accuses you of pushing him.
The Bad Man - When he gets wasted and falls down, he vehemently denies that he has fallen and insists that he's just playing with the dog. Do not remind him that he does not have a dog, and do not try to get him to admit that he's fallen down as he will get angry and sulk.
The Bad Bad Man - Bad bad men don't fall down.