Repenting At Leisure: Excuses, Excuses

When caught doing what you shouldn't be doing, being where you shouldn't be or doing it with someone you shouldn't be doing it with, there's nothing like a good, big excuse. Making excuses is an art and as such, should be cultivated.If a person practices, and excels at making excuses, he or she may possibly qualify for a position in government - maybe even president. In that spirit, I hereby present some tried and true excuses.
The All-purpose Excuse
"You didn't tell me not to."
This excuse, as one can imagine, can cover a multitude of sins. For example: Husband - "Why, when we were at the circus, did you have sex with my best friend and two acrobats while you sent me for peanuts?" Wife - "you didn't tell me not to." You see, it's simple, concise and easy to remember.
The Bob P. Excuse
"I'm sorry, but I was doing drugs and I just didn't care about you."
The excuse-maker may then sit back and wait to be praised for his honesty. One may have to wait for quite some time. This excuse has a drawback in that one must actually a drug user in order to be believable. However, if you are a drug user, this can work.
The Late Excuse
"There were small bats hanging over the street signs and I couldn't find your house."
This excuse was first used by my sister Pam and is notable, not for its effectiveness, but for its inventiveness and visual imagery. She is a true artist.
The I Did Something Awful and Didn't Tell You About It Excuse
"I wanted to spare you."
This has the advantage of getting you out of a tight spot and making you look like a caring person. For example: Wife - "What do you mean blew all our rent money at the track last week? Why didn't you tell me?" Husband - "I wanted to spare you." What a thoughtful man!
The Under The Influence Excuse
Either, "I was just playing with the dog" or "I'm looking for my contact lens" (This is a man's excuse and is included here merely to let them know we can see right through them).
Make sure a dog or contact lens is actually present or this may not work. Friend - "Boy, did you ever have too much to drink. You can't even stand up!" You - "I'm just playing with the dog." Try not to pass out after saying this. It spoils the effect.
The It's your fault excuse
The best offense is a good defense. Said with force and conviction, "You drove me to it" can stop a person in their tracks.
The Dumping Excuse
Let's face it. Everyone knows when they're getting the brush-off and "I have to wash my hair" or "I'm busy" just don't cut it. They always know, and since they always know and you're not going to get away with anything anyway, you may as well make it interesting. To wit: He - "How about going out Friday night?" She - "Oh, didn't I tell you I race Huskies for a living? I have to stay home and wax my sled blades. Otherwise, I'd love to go. ... Next Friday? No, I won't be back until after the Iditarod." Or, one could say, "Friday? I feed the homeless on Friday. You're homeless? Well, go to the corner of 5th and 87th and wait for me."
Use your imagination. This excuse has no limits.
The Speeding Ticket Excuse
"Sorry officer, but I'm late for my monthly support group for people with infectious leprosy."
This doesn't always work, but it's better than "My wife's having a baby" or "Up yours, officer."
The Non-payment of Bills Excuse
"What do you mean I still owe (fill in amount)? I came in two days ago and gave my cash to that nice young man/woman. His/her name was (make up a common name). I hope you don't have a thief in your office."
This should buy you at least a few more days.
The Rapid Acting Generic Excuse
"He did it!" or "She said it!"
It's a known fact that if all else fails, shift the blame and do it quickly. Examp;e: Boss - "I heard that you called me an unfair, scumsucking battle ax with big feet!" You - (pointing wildly), "She said it!" Try to point at someone who already doesn't like you, or failing that, someone who is smaller than you.
The I Can't Come to Work excuse
Diarrhea.
There are many good reasons for using this, the main one being that your boss won't ask you to prove it.
The Why I Didn't Attend Your Wedding/Party Excuse
"I was on my way when I was kidnapped by terrorists and I only just now escaped!"
Ironclad! Also, this is more timely than the old kidnapped-by-a-band-of-gypsies excuse. If you doubt the veracity of this last statement, just ask yourself, "How many gypsies have I seen lately? How many terrorists?" It's obvious - go with the terrorists.
The Serial Killer Excuse
It is fashionable these days to blame bad behavior, including rapes and multiple murders, on childhood trauma. So if you have some bad behavior of your own, try "It wasn't my fault. My mother toilet trained me with one of those musical potty chairs and ever since, every time I hear "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star", I get an overwhelming compulsion to find (Pick one) A) a man B) a woman C) a dog, and A) tweak his nose B) get down on all fours and bark or C) eat his liver with fava beans.
Well, these are just a few of your most basic excuses. Really, the possibilities are endless, but with these standard excuses, you should be able to get through most of life's difficult situations. And if these excuses don't work, don't call me. I've been kidnapped by a band of gypsies and they told me not to answer my phone.